Takeo Spikes, Buffalo Bills, circa 2005-06…redefines douche bag

If John Kruk says something in a forest and there’s no one around to here him, is he still wrong?  I tuned in to Baseball Tonight for about 5 minutes tonight and Kruk said 3 sentences.  I disagreed with him about 7 times in those 3 sentences.  Eric Young spoke for 2 minutes straight and turned in an Emmitt Smith-like performance where almost everything was unintelligible.  Poor Karl Ravech…what did he do to deserve this?  Can someone neuter Harold Reynolds and bring him back?

Today, I came to the reassuring revelation that we actually can win even if we lose both Ohio and Virginia.  I would hate to have it come to this, but it’s possible and would make Colorado (of all places) very important.

It shouldn’t be that hard to take a dump at work.  There are 2 stalls on each floor.  But for some reason today, everyone decided to take a poo at the same time.  Yes, both stalls were occupied on my floor, so I anxiously walked up a flight of stairs to the next floor.  Nope, someone was in that one too…and he was funking up the place so badly, that it would have been impossible for me to stay.  So I disappointingly go down 2 floors and try again…to no avail.  WTF!?!  I considered using the stairwell, but I didn’t have any toilet paper with me.

I usually only look forward to 2 or 3 movies a year.  The Dark Knight would be one of those 2 or 3 for 2008…so much so that I decide to join a friend at midnight for the first showing of it in a local IMAX theater.  I haven’t been to a midnight movie since college so it kinda felt like a fish out of water experience.  It was me, my friend, and a whole bunch of cute college girls and their dorky boyfriends…you know, people who don’t have to get up at 6:45am to go to work the next day like me.  Onto the movie…

This is one of the rare occasions where the movie lives up to the hype.  Few dull scenes, few illogical decisions, few bad characters and few appearances of bad acting.  Every Heath Ledger scene was phenomenal, especially the “magic pencil” trick…that was pretty funny.  Solid performances by Bale and Eckhart.  Watching some of the action scenes on an IMAX screen was a little difficult b/c it was hard to see what was going on.  I couldn’t tell who was who and what the hell Batman was trying to do.

The good: great characters, none of the cheesiness of the Joel Schumacher era, great action scenes and great make up…Eckhart was pretty grisly for a portion of the movie.

The bad: Not sure if the Harvey Dent angle was necessary due to the limited screen time he had toward the end of the movie…and a running time of 142 minutes.

All in all, can’t expect much more out of a summer blockbuster.

8 out of 10 CRs

There are bad movies and then there are bad movies.  And then there’s The Mist.  Based off of a Stephen King novella, The Mist details the devolution of a group of small towners that have barracaded themselves in a grocery store after a mysterious mist has descended on their town.  That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

In order for me to truly explain the suckitude of this film, I’m going to have to spoil it, so if you have any desire to actually see this movie, don’t read the rest of this post…

First of all, the characters in this movie are detestable: the commercial artist (hero) and his 5-yr old son, the argumentative neighbor, the town drunk, the bible thumper, the gutless soldier, the ignorant bagboy, etc.  Secondly, this movie breaks cardinal rule #1: in situations of great crisis, don’t have the characters turn on themselves unnecessarily.  These people are confronted by a serious, life-threatening situation, yet they all turn into idiots, arguing amongst themselves, having silly debates.  I hate it when movie characters act in an unbelievable manner.

Here is a list of idiotic plotholes:

- The mist establishes itself as a severe threat that could possibly kill people.  So what does the bagboy and town drunks want to do?  Go out and check on the exterior of the building.  Why?  Because the generator is clogged.  How about you just shut off that generator for the time being.  Of course, the bagboy gets killed…by some tentacled creature no less. (What?)

- Confronted with the death of said bagboy, the argumentative neighbor doesn’t believe the witnesses to this gruesome event.  Why would they make this up?  They even have a piece of the tentacle as proof, yet no one thinks they should show this as evidence?  The neighbor goes out of his way to be annoying.

- The bible thumper arc.  She’s a real nutcase.  She hems and haws about the coming of armageddon and initially has no support.  However, after a few death, she turns nearly the entire grocery store into Lord of the Flies, willing to kill and sacrifice anyone who doesn’t believe. (What?)  Why didn’t someone just shoot her before she infected the entire store?

- Speaking of shooting, when they find a gun and wanted to find someone who could use it, why didn’t they ask any of the three military personnel that was there?  And what was with that soldier’s eyebrows?  WTF?

- The feeble attempt to break into the neighboring pharmacy to find drugs to help some guy who is obviously not going to make it.  Of course, a few people die on this journey, I don’t think they grab the drugs, and that dude dies anyway.

- In the face of danger, people decide to scream at the monster instead of running away from it.  Fuck you, Stephen King.

- So after the hero, his son, and two old people escape the grocery store (and the mob), drive miles and miles only to find out that the mist is everywhere and that the monsters are everywhere, and run out of gas, the only viable solution is to commit mass suicide?  Huh?  So they agree that the “hero” will kill the two old people and his son.  Unfortunately, he does not have a bullet left for himself.  After killing everyone, the mist subsides and he notices that the army has come to the rescue and has thwarted the attack.  He killed everyone unnecessarily.  That’s the ending.  Fuck you, Stephen King.

The entire movie is about people doing stupid things.  I know, it’s a movie about a mysterious mist and monsters that come through some porthole and attack the US.  But that is more realistic than the actions of the characters.  This movie sucks in every way imaginable.

2 out of 10 CRs

This week’s movie rant centers on Vantage Point, the Rashomon-style terrorist thriller.  I’m a sucker for chronologically-challenged movies as well as terrorist-laden and crisis-filled movies, so I knew I was probably going to like this one.

The film shows the same scene, the assassination of the President during an anti-terrorism summit in Spain, from various…er…vantage points, with each perspective adding another piece to the overall puzzle.  The first hour of this movie is probably my favorite hour of a movie in 2008.  No boring character development, interesting characters,  up-in-your-face action, and questions that keep you interested in the movie.  However, the climax of the movie is a little forced, predictable, and illogical.

The good: Rashomon-style. This movie in a straightforward, chronologically-told manner would be your prototypical action thriller.  Nothing new.  However, this device works for me and tells a familiar story in a unique way.  Having William Hurt die over and over again doesn’t hurt either.

The bad: the terrorist plot is overly complicated and works without a hitch.  Who could come up with something like this?  Too many moving parts.  Too much technological magic.  The POTUS acting too ethical and moral.

The ridiculous: After coming up with this elaborate plan that works PERFECTLY, the brilliant terrorists get tripped up by…well, you’re gonna have to see it to believe it.  I certainly didn’t…

8 out of 10 CR’s for the first hour, 4 out of 10 CR’s for the remainder, for a total of…

6 out of 10 CR’s

I was in Borders over the weekend looking for a book to purchase.  This was probably the third or fourth book I’ve bought post-college…for me, navigating a Border’s is kinda like John Travolta accidentally wandering into a good movie.  After about 20 minutes of searching, I settled on a book and proceeded to the check-out line.  Now, even though I usually don’t read books, I’ve many a magazine from both Border’s and Barnes and Noble.  And it’s pretty obvious that the requirements for employment at these establishments are that: 1) you’re female or female-esque, 2) you haven’t had sex in the past calendar year, 3) you couldn’t have sex even if you suddenly found yourself on a submarine in the middle of the Persian Gulf, and 4) had some semblance of a sense of humor.  Extra consideration goes to former middle school English teachers and elementary school librarians.

As I waited in line, I looked down and noticed a Jesus Christ action figure.  There was someone there actually considering buying one of these.  Imagine getting one of these when you were a child.  I would rather get a pair of dirty socks.  What kind of Bible thumper do you need to be to be so deluded into thinking a child would actually want this?  And what does one do with a Jesus action figure?  He seems too big to intermix with GI Joe’s.  Barbie would probably flirt with him and Ken would kick his ass.  Do they even make Barbie’s and GI Joe’s anymore?  Have I dated myself?  If my child wanted a Jesus action figure, I would probably get into a lot of trouble.  During Christmas, I like to take my sister’s baby Jesus ceramic figurine and place him in inappropriate positions with the miscellaneous manger fauna.  Thankfully I do not believe in hell!

In the last 20 years, has there ever been an occasion where someone has demanded respect and then actually gotten it?  I mean, anyone but Cartman.  Respect is earned, not received freely.  I lose respect for anyone who asks for it.  I lose all respect for anyone who demands it.  Anyone who demands respect is not confident enough in their own abilities to rely solely on those abilities.  They lose sight of what they are trying to accomplish.  They sabotage their own goals by attempting to force people into feeling something which just isn’t there…or worse, they ruin all of the “respect-capital” that they’ve already accumulated.

Nowadays, there are very few circumstances where respect is immediately given, no questions asked.  The military comes to mind.  But in the rest of real life, it is no longer a given.  Things have changed.  It’s not how it was 20 or 30 years ago.  But one thing hasn’t changed: actions speak louder than words.  Act like a leader, act like an authority figure.  Don’t talk about it.  People have too many options nowadays to succumb to your sad attempts at garnering false respect.

Since I’ve hit the yearly sports abyss where nothing is interesting, I’ve spent the past 2 weeks watching movies..all sorts of movies.  Here is a quick run through of some of the movies that have wasted my time the past two weeks:

Rambo - Exactly what you would expect from a Rambo movie: tons of Asians getting killed and a nonexistent plot.  4 out of 10 CR’s.

National Treasure: The Book of Secrets - Sequel to the far superior original, this is the prototypical rush job to a successful movie.  Nicolas Cage is one of my least favorite actors of alltime.  Ed Harris can’t decide whether he’s a good guy or an evil guy…just a suggestion, stick with evil…it suits you better.  Absurd scene where the President gets “kidnapped”.  5 out of 10 CR’s.

Premonition - Sandra Bullock film, which automatically results in -1 point.  Timeline is all over the place, which wouldn’t be so bad if I actually gave a shit about what was going on.  Husband is dead, no he’s alive, oops he’s dead again, nope alive…fuck you!  4 out of 10 CR’s.

Dot.kill - I had to look up the title of this film b/c I couldn’t remember if it was Dot.kill or Kill.dot, mainly b/c neither one made any sense, much like the rest of this movie.  A blatant rip off of far better movies such as Untraceable and Fear.com, and those movies sucked ass.  I could make a better movie with a camcorder, some duct tape, and a capuchin monkey.  Random observation: is it just me or do capuchin monkeys seem like they would give great hand jobs?  2 out of 10 CR’s.

The Happening - Die, M. Night Shyamalan, die!  Try writing an ending next time.  4 out of 10 CR’s.

Devour - Devil movie.  I’ve seen these movies before, I’ll see them again.  Nothing new here.  Thank God he didn’t bang his new girlfriend, b/c she ends up being his mother, who just happens to be Satan.  3 out of 10 CR’s.

Night at the Museum - The only truly good movie I’ve seen recently.  Original plot, interesting characters, and a sequel in the making.  Nice supporting cast consisting of a pre-suicidal Owen Wilson, Dick Van Dyke (who I thought was dead…oops!), and Robin Williams (the comedic version, not the creepy version).  Stars a capuchin monkey, +1 point.  7 out of 10 CR’s.

The Messengers - Fast forwarded through the boring scenes, which turned this into a more manageable 45-minute movie.  Somewhat hot girl is only redeeming element.  What?  She’s only 18 now, 17 when she made this movie.  Ok, moving along…   4 out of 10 CR’s.

Jackass 2 - Funny and sickening all the way through.  Better plot than half of the movies on this list, only b/c they didn’t attempt to have a plot in this one.  Please put down the bottle of horse semen.  These guys are sick fucks.  6 out of 10 CR’s.